My Plain Holiday (Up until 14 August 2014)

SALAM AIDILFITRI, MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

Setelah Ramadhan berlalu, hatiku rasa tawar di pagi 1 syawal. Ramadhan yang muncul sekali dalam setahun itu, kulalui dengan penuh leka dan lalai. Keratan post di FB buat aku sayu sendiri. Rata-rata mesej itu berbaur menyampaikan peringatan, 

"Mengapa Hari Raya Aidilfitri terasa hambar? Renungkan bagaimana amal ibadah sendiri di bulan Ramadhan."

Sedih.

BALIK KG. KENINGAU

Malam 1 August kami balik ke Kg. Keningau untuk menghadiri majlis pertunangan aunty Ita dan uncle victor pada 3hb, nampaknya kami sekeluarga masih muat di kereta kancil ibu. Ingatkan tak muat dah, sebab aku agak comel 70 kg sekarang ini. Kami pilih jalan Kimanis, nasib baiklah jalan bukit tinggi [Tersangat lah condong yang buat Ibu, Aku, Puen, dan Ofu turun dari kereta, jalan kaki naik pi atas bukit] itu sudah ditarah ke tahap rendah.

Kami tumpang tidur di rumah nenek. Persiapan untuk majlis pertunangan aunty Ita agak meriah. Aku? Hampir tidak dikenali kerana terlalu comel dari yang sebelum ini 54 kg sahaja, jujurnya aku nombor 2 lebih berat dalam keluarga kami selepas bapa. 

Petang selepas rasminya pertunangan Aunty Ita dan Uncle Victor, kami bersiap pulang dari Keningau ke Kota Belud. Dalam perjalanan kami, aku rasa macam nak terbako je hati aku tengok gelagat pemandu-pemandu kereta besar macam Hilux lah contohnya [perangai pemandu ya, bukan pasal brand kereta], mentang-mentanglah kereta kami ni kecil dan lambat sikit kalau nak naik bukit, suka hati ja nak potong di selekoh, dah lah di selekoh nak naik bukit pula tuh. Sabar ja lah.

Hampir di Kinarut, bapa aku cadang nak tukar pemandu sebab bapa kata dia letih. Pilihan itu sama ada Ibu atau aku saja. Tapi yang pasti, Ibu tak bagi aku pandu dan ibu pun takut nak pandu sebab waktu malam dan tak berapa ingat jalan. Akhirnya, bapa jua yang pandu tapi ya lah, dengan tak semena-menanya aku pun kena marah sebab tak hafal jalan nak balik ke Kota Belud. Masa tu, aku agak terasa hati juga lah. Selalunya, aku tidur ja kalau jalan balik kampung, sebab bila kami balik pun, pada waktu malam, bapa kata tak banyak kereta. Laju gila bapa aku bawa.

Asal nak selekoh tu, selalu bahagian bawah kereta tempat aku duduk tu berbunyi sebab berseret dengan jalanraya. Agakku, sebab berat badanku yang buat sedikit lantunan sping dan mungkin dah berapi kali di bawah tu. Hati aku pun masa tu rasa macam terseret-seret jua. Asal dalam kereta laju, aku rasa ngeri. Paling aku kurang gemar perjalanan ke Kota Kinabalu dan ke Keningau [It's a long journey].Terutamanya bila jadi penumpang. Hm, tambah-tambah lagi perangai pemandu yang sememangnya aku rasa, dorg nak jumpa ilahi cepat tuh [maaf, ayat kurang adab sikit]. Sabar tak sabar ja aku dalam tuh. 

TAWARAN UPU 2014/2015

Keputusan upu untuk kemasukan pelajar Ijazah 2014/2015 telah pun diumumkan. Adik aku dapat tawaran di Universiti Malaysia Sabah (UMS) Labuan dalam bidang dia, perbankkan, apa tah. Aku tak baca betul-betul kos dia tuh. Yang penting dia dapat apa yang dia pohon, fikirku itu sudah memadai. 

Sehubungan dengan keputusan ini, ada seorang yang aku nak tanya pasal ni, rasa ingin tahu itu hampir saja melayangkan jari-jemariku untuk melangkaui sempadan yang berulangkali aku gariskan. Fikir punya fikir, aku batalkan saja hasrat itu. Siapa aku untuk ambil tahu hal perkembangan dia. 

"Kenapa?". 

Dia melontarkan soalan itu bersahaja merujuk kepada perbuatanku. Aku tergamam diterpa soalan sependek itu. Pandanganku larikan pantas disusuli dengan ketawa, dalam hati berharap dia tidak menanyakan soalan lebih lanjut. Ketenangan hatiku berkocak, adakah terlalu jelas di situ? Sepatutnya, aku hanya perlu mengangguk dan teruskan fokusku ke kaca televisyen. Tapi entah, bila dia ada, aku kadang tak terkawal dari terus melindungi perasaan jiwa. Mujur ada penyelamat memanggil dia untuk terus berlalu ke surau, solat maghrib.

Baru-baru ini, dia muncul dalam mimpiku. Seperti dulu, dia menenangkan dan menggembirakan hatiku dengan kehadiran dan telatahnya. Namun, semua itu lenyap sekelip mata. Mimpiku bertukar rupa. Dia hadir sekejap saja. Seperti yang sekarang ini. Kegembiraan yang ditinggalkan, adakala jadi satu kesedihan yang memeritkan.

Aku harap dia sentiasa dalam keadaan sihat sejahtera, ada orang yang dia percayai untuk berkongsi suka dan dukanya, ada orang yang bersama dia di kala suka dan dukanya. Dulu, aku ingat aku dah jadi orang yang rapat dengan dia. Dia muncul tika aku diam bersendirian, dia ada di setiap tawaku. Dia nampak gembira di mataku, tapi jarang ku lihat dia bersedih mahupun berduka. 

Suatu hari, aku dengar dia sakit dari temanku. Saat itulah, aku rasa aku masih jauh dari dia. Aku mendekati dan cuba memberi kata semangat kepadanya, tapi waktu itu, aku sangat teruk dalam berkomunikasi secara baik. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana untuk jadi orang yang boleh memberikan motivasi dan semangat melalui kata-kata. Dia mengelak dari menjawab pertanyaanku mengenai kesihatannya, entah kenapa, aku rasa sangat sedih sebab dia tidak mahu menceritakan hal itu kepadaku. 

Terasa diri ini tidak dipercayai. Aku cuba menyedapkan hatiku, mungkin itu hal peribadinya yang tak perlu aku ambil tahu. Dia diam dan nampak muram. Kecewa kerana aku tidak mampu untuk buat apa-apa yang boleh menceriakannya, akhirnya, aku berlalu pergi meninggalkan dia bersama teman baiknya. Well, itu cerita dulu.

Ehem, nampaknya masih lagi kuceritakan tentang dia di sini.

"Stop Amal. You can do this. I know you can. There is nothing you can do about this. This is only your past memories that had shape you to who you are today. You lowered you voice more than usual. You realize how important to have more knowledge. There were so many small things. I know this kind of hard, but still, there is no use of waiting and hoping like this. Be strong Amal. He just a very nice and great guy that you meet along your journey to your destiny. Keep your head up, and keep walking."

"STOP EATING!"

Nampaknya berat badanku mulai menjadi salah satu punca tekanan dalam hidup aku dari saat ini. Banyak dah baju dan seluar yang tak muat untuk dipakai. Seluar yang aku pakai semasa bekerja di GMART pun, sudah lama tidak disentuh. Tak Muat. Memandangkan semester baru akan bermula tidak lama lagi. Ibu ajak aku shopping pakaian di tamu hujung minggu. Aku lebih suka beli pakaian dari tamu  berbanding pakaian kedai, kerana harganya yang murah, pelbagai pilihan dan pelbagai saiz. Hahaha. 

Kami terserempak dengan pak cik saudara sebelah bapa. Sebahagian daripada keluarga sebelah bapa yang kenal kami, tahu yang aku selalu ikut kejohanan taekwondo atau pun silat olahraga. Pak cik tanya sama ada aku masih ikut lagi kejohanan, dari riak mukanya aku boleh agak dia terkejut lah kot tengok aku nampak gemuk daripada yang dulu. Aku mengangguk dan kata aku masuk kategori yang berat, Kelas E atau F bagi kejohanan silat olahraga. 

Pak cik berjalan ditemani oleh 3 orang anak muda. Yang sorang tu, pernah kerja di Gmart, patutlah macam kenal ja. Akmar. Nampaknya masih ingat nama aku. Hahaha, malu aku nak tegur. Ada lagi sorang aku jumpa di tamu, bekas rakan sekerja di Gmart juga, tapi aku lupa suda namanya. Cukup sekadar senyum dan angkat tangan ja.

Balik rumah, mungkin kerana aku tak lepak dengan jam dan tak tengok cuaca malam ka siang kah. Aku sedar yang aku masuk dapur, pi makan tiga kali selang beberapa jam. Sehinggakan, Ibu kata "Stop eating" berkali-kali. Aku hanya tersengih. Tapi sungguh, aku memang lapar sangat. Mungkin kerana Ibu, Puen dan Wena tengah makan buah durian, aku pula sekadar duduk atas sofa sambil makan buah belunu. Selalunya, aku buat endah tak endah ja dengan bau durian, tapi yang ini, sejujurnya, baunya tersangatlah kuat menusuk hidung. Aku pula tak makan durian, jadi mungkin pasan itu kot aku membalun nasi berkali-kali tuh.. hahaha. 

Sebenarnya, dah banyak kali ibu suruh aku kawal permakananku. Siap suruh pi bersenam lagi tapi tah, malas aku mau berpeluh-peluh sekarang ni. Mungkin, kalau dia tau, dia siap kira berat aku sama dengan berapa biji tong gas kot. Eh, ingat dia lagi. Zzz.

-END-

Self-Monolog [1]

Biarpun ada beberapa minggu lagi,
Fikiran mula menyinggah,
Tiket sudah dibeli,
Gelisah itu tetap hadir,
Journal perjalanan yang masih kabur di ingatan,
Kali ini di tempat yang berbeza,
Rutin gerakan solo itu tetap satu hal,
Penempatan sementara menunggu rumah,
Pindahkan barang-barang,
Persiapanku?
Keputusan tempoh hari bukan satu kejutan,
Sudah dijangka,
Tapi masih berat untukku terima,
Masih perlukah aku sama seperti dulu?
Rombakan diri saban berlaku,
Kadang naik setinggi gunung,
Namun selalunya jatuh mematah harapan,
Seorang watak dalam drama yang kulihat baru-baru ini berkata berbunyi begini,
"Kamu perlu jatuh sekurang-kurangnya 2000 kali semata-mata untuk belajar berjalan."
Adakah perlu aku lalui 2000 kejatuhan untuk aku capai ijazah ini?
Cukupkah?
Keterlaluankah?
Perlukah?
Mampukah aku berdiri kembali setelah kejatuhanku yg kedua?
Ataupun yang ketiga?
Mahupun yang ke-empat?
Sabarkah?
Kuatkah?
Mampukah?
Untuk apa semua ini.
Untuk kerjaya masa depankah?
Untuk duitkah?
Untuk menutup kelemahan dirikah?
Untuk menutup kesilapan pilihan dirikah?
Untuk kepuasan dirikah?
Untuk kegembiraankah?
Untuk kebahagiaankah?
Untuk orang lainkah?
Entah,
1001 persoalan yg kuseret untuk kembali ke lautan sana,
Yang mungkin tidak perlukan jawapan,
Jawapan yang samar-samar ku rangka,
Buat harapan berbunga,
Memerah keyakinan untuk berusaha,
Tika diri hilang di sebalik kekabutan warna,
Hilang semangatku,
Hilang keyakinanku,
Hilang kesabaranku,
Hilang jati diriku,
Aku kosong,
Tapi,
Ini semua dalam beberapa minggu lagi,
Sudah mulai mengganggu ketenangan cutiku.
hmmm.

"Ya Allah permudahkanlah segala urusan kami."

My Plain Holiday (Up until 23 July 2014)

My Sleeping Habit

As my sleeping habit is changed since my final exam ended on 14 June 2014, there was sometime I tried to change it back to normal but I guess I should work up my body to be completely exhausted and then sleep at night like everybody do. But, I don't feel to do workout because I still sweating even I was sitting without fan. So, I am awake at night then goes to sleep at 8 am up until to 1 pm and almost up to 4 pm and 5 pm. I know that is makruh to be sleeping all day long. Then, I make some change, I'll sleep at 11 am or 1 pm and wake up around 5 or 6 pm. 

My Activities In My Holiday?

→ Watching Running Man

During my study week, I tend to watch some running man episode to cheer me up because at that time I was really have no mood to study. Actually, I start to watch it a week before to study week, it was a few days before the mini project presentation. I was really not in the mood, it was because of my mini project presentation and all of it. I was relief that I gained the courage to continue the abandoned project and present my presentation to the end. So, maybe I was used to watch running man for a few weeks then I kept that habit up today. But then, I noticed that I lose a large percent of interest in Running Man recently. I realized that, I become not so interested watching it if Haha part was edited out or he has limited appearance on the show. 

→Other Korea Reality Tv Show

Losing some interest on Running Man doesn't mean that I lose interest completely on Korea reality tv show. Recently, I watched Happy Together, Law Of The Jungle, Roommate and Hello Counselor on television. Meanwhile, I also watching Gag Concert on the youtube. I think that I'm more to Roommate, well not too much, I just watched it's episode 1 and 2 through the youtube. I don't know what Roommate aired recently on the television, but I decided to watch them from the first episode. That would be much better to follow their story from the beginning. Up until episode 2 of Roomate, I think I like Park Min woo appearance and Park Chan-yeol voice of talking. I'm not a fan of Lee Dong-Wook, but watching him in the episode 2, I feel something interesting about him. I guess I'll may turn to be attracted to him, I guess. 

→Cookies for Hari Raya

My second young sister, Puen, was very excited to bake variety of cookies and cakes for the Hari Raya. She doing research for recipes and including some videos of baking cookies even though my mother already research about the cookies that are going to be baked. I just let them be, I only help them by shaping the Dow into the specific shape. The first was 'Batang Buruk'. That's is my favorite cookies hehehe. Then 'Tart Nenas'. Followed up by 'Kuih Makmur'. Of course, I just help them by shaping the cookies, not more than that. It just my mother and my young sister that discussed about the ingredients, I will wait them to make the dow and them help out when the dow was finish. 

→My Result

21 July 2014, the day my exam result was announced. It's weird because I easily log in and checked my result while usually the line would be lagging. Yeah, as I predicted! The one and only. The first subject I failed. I should starting learn the subject in this holiday. I don't think I can but I will give it a try. I should try. yes, I should try my best. That was one subject, but then I saw the two subject that I thought I could get at least B or B-. It was really a disappointment. That one subject was really, entahlah. Maybe after this, I should done my assignment better and earlier, submit it to those lectures and ask them, what more need to edited so that they will give good grade for the efforts. My first carry subject. Hm..

→My Sketch Paper

Seems like I was out of idea. I'm being too picky on deciding what object to draw. Limiting my self on my own. Apart from that, I might go out to Pekan Kota Belud to buy some A4 (80gsm) rim paper.

→Someone In Mind (S.I.M)

Lately, I had download some song, most of them was Haha song and other English love song. He still appear on my mind while I listen to those song but not as much as like old days. Sometimes, I just enjoy the song as it's more to explain my self in the song. There are times that I want to write all about inside to him read them I barely stop doing that, as I really want to let him go properly this time. It because I already said the goodbye first so I shouldn't break it again and again. For now, I just thinking how I felt and react if suddenly I get his wedding invitation. Well, he is far away from me and I don't know how has he been. It possible that he meet someone else there, so do I, maybe I meet someone around me too. If that the case maybe, I came to his wedding and I just gonna be single to my old age if I don't have someone that I think could love and care to me as who I am. Kunun lah Hahaha.

→Addicted to Game

Kak Yui introduced this game to me years ago, if I not mistaken. Boomz. Before this, I was playing the Gaia, but sometimes, I felt kind of bored and don't know what to do, then I remember this game. It was fun, indeed. But I still don't understand the game properly, just know as a beginner.

→Several Thoughts

►It's Hari Raya coming up soon, but I don't have and place to visit. Some friends were not very familiar and some of them were very far need to drive but I'm not sure if I have the chance to use the motorcycle to go visiting them. If that the case, then this year will be just like last year. I will be just serving the foods and there is nothing to be expect will happen. Hm...Maybe I will just go out for a day, and taking some picture around the Kota Belud area. That's sounds fun.

►I saw him online. I might sound pathetic because I still expecting that he will send message and start the conversation first. I don't want to be the first one to send him message.  Hm, Ok stop right here. I think I just gonna empty 'this' out as I done before. Before he came and fulfilled it with those unforgettable memories. I might being a stranger to my self again, but I think I will accept that slowly. I'm not a broken heart person, it's just unrequited and one-sided love which I think is fading as the time goes by.  

► I need some guide to make a paper work, because I dreamed to held a Taekwon-do Tournament for our UniMAP Taekwon-do GTF club. I don't have enough experience handling a tournament or competition paper work. I heard that, it would be hard to get the budget approved. Hm, that quite unknown level of challenge. Should I do or not?

   *********************************************************

END

The Dream of Short Journey

The Dream of Short Journey

I dreamed about someone. It's weird because I already knew that he belongs to someone, but at first in that dream, I never knew. I was so happy just to see and stay next to him along the short journey. I don't remember what we were talking about, but the conversation was smooth and just nice. I look out through the window, watching the blue sky, while he then drove quietly. Everything felt happen in just a second moment. We arrived, then his girl was waiting there. I just went out of the car. He came to his sweet waiting girl. He don't even say a word or take a look at me. I just watched them behind the car. Then, I realized that I was no one in his life. Just none.

*************************************************************************

It's true that I dreamed of someone that I know in my real life but in reality, my feeling for him isn't that way. He is the person that I liked and respect because of his charismatic of speech. That deep feeling should be on someone else, the one that I should be forgotten at the moment, but I don't have any idea that this person became in that character in my dream. 

I just felt that, this dream was an analogy of what happen in my life, not calculating who were the characters. It left the unseen pain and the bitterness inside me when my last view in the dream, watching them happy together for the far distance. Actually, I can relate something with that scene.I just let go them without trying to make them stay. I just don't think it's worth to be hurt because of holding on someone else.

But it doesn't bring so much different. . . 

I stop from being to much happy,

I left even I really want to stay,

I looked away even I want to see you all day long,

but at the end,

I'm still hurt inside.

I Have No Intention of Removing Good Memories

" I have no intention of removing good memories."

" Someone who makes your heart flutter or someone familiar?"

I wonder why I still surrounded by those memories with you in them. It's already been 2 years for now. This the first time, I still hoping and waiting for someone since secondary school. I'm not trying to emphasize the first time, because honestly, I don't believe much in the 'First Time'. 

Do You Believe In First Time?

As for my life experience in Taekwondo, my first game of sparring, I experienced losing for the first time. However, that's not meant to be that I'm a loser in sparring forever. To be honest, I keep losing in sparring everything I joined sparring game until the coach, sir Murshidi, call me the expert in sparring because I kept join sparring event but never win even once. But later, with all the hard time in training and the kept losing feeling had thought me several ways and lead for some winning in tournaments. Alhamdulillah.

That's one reason, I don't rely much on First Time. The first person that I like, I don't remember the face enough but I like someone since I was in year 1 in primary school. That brother has almost the same name of mine. When my young friends addressed me in conversation or called me, it's sound similarly with that brother name. I guess I like him because he was very kind to me at that time.

When I was in year 2, I changed school. I met a boy, a year older than me. We were not that in relationship but maybe that just another scandal in primary school. I like and hate him at the same time. Kids, I really don't know why, we kept arguing each other but at the same time there were lot good memories too. It's that true that, when a person has feeling to the that person, they would spend a lot of time with that person, no matter what, including arguing to each other? I'm not sure either. 

Almost a step more for my future, we moved into a new house and I moved into a new religious school to take examination after four years in a village KAFA. There I wasn't nobody. I just playing games with everyone including my siblings but I have no friends to be hang out together. I lost my best friends at KAFA and became new student at new religious school. Since I don't have any close friends, I dont care much for other kids and used to play only with my siblings. One day, while waiting for my mother to pick up us after the religious school end, my brother and I was playing at the playground. Some kids came to us and starting to messing up with us. Then, someone came and he was trying to stop them from bulling us. That boy from what I know, he was a very quiet kid. I just know his name but never talk to him. Since that day, I starting to notice him everyday when I came to school. There was a day, I don't remember it clearly, but he got into trouble and didn't get into class. At the end of school, I saw him at distant. That was just a story in primary school, I thought I like him. Who knows? I get into my favorite school at SMK Pekan but I end up being in SMKA Tun Said because of my parents want me to continue my school there. Guess what, the first classmate that I met near the stair up to my class was him! That was a relief I thought. Being in a new class with someone that I knew and the most unexpected that I was in the class with my crush. But, all things doesn't happen in the way I thought. I remember my first tear-drop of jealousy and disappointment because my crush was being someone else which that girl was one of my friends. I can't do anything, I just cried for a moments then I decided to forget him no matter what. Once, a friend of mine ask me to send her regards for him because she kind of interested in him. Luckily, I was almost don't feel anything more for him. I just assumed him as only one of my friends. However, while we was in form 3, something was happen, and I hate him so much after that. I don't know either if that was his doing or someone sabotage him, but I was so immature during that period of time. Then, there was a time that some students were gathered because they got caught for not being able to obey the hostel's rules, including him and I. Everyone were told to line up and count numbers. The ustaz fined us to stand up and telling what we were sorry for, kinda repenting ourselves, started with the boys, I noticed that he was the 39th person. The person was chosen randomly, I was like praying so the ustaz would call out the number 39. And it's happen, he got called to the front and give repenting speech. I felt my hating heart for him was vanished away after that. So, still he just only a friend after that.

However, since the day I cried because of that, I'm being more frigid and rude to those boys who mess up with me. I thought I became to hate boy, but then I saw a senior during the Friday assembly. He was the mc in-charge of the day. He was a form 5 Technique student. It just happen to me to admire him. There was a moment, I was him in the dinning hall, near to the water cooler, wearing black color of baju melayu, he was very cool boy. Since that, I like to see someone who wear black baju melayu. Then, I came to hear that he got admires and adopt sister too. I was like, "what?! huh!". I decided to forget him and because I will not see him anymore after his spm. That was my very short period of time to like a person, he passed the SPM, the last time I saw him when he joined a Marhaban group in a competition at our school and the last news I heard of him, he is already married last year. I'm happy for you, bro.

When I was in form 3, I felt so empty inside. Every person that I liked so far, were belong to someone else. That just make me uninterested and give up. Suddenly, one day, I thought an idea. 

"Love. Is love can be develop by learning to love someone? Can I learn to love someone?"

At the evening, I would sitting at the corridor of our hostel, watching boys went for their tea break. Then, I saw this senior. Again, a senior. Before that, I thought he was nobody, because he is not that handsome and I never heard of him before. So, I started my foolish learning to love someone mission. I don't know when but then I noticed that I was really falling for this guy. The moment I realized it when I was giving my explanation to my friends in front of the class. I was in form 4 Technique at that time. I saw him walking at the next building, I just very happy to look at him until he disappear from my sight until my friends shouting call my name. Then, I was got into his Rumah Sukan since every form 4 student need to change their rumah sukan. He was one of the ace of the rumah sukan. When everybody in the team was cheering, I just can't do the cheering. I can't say his name that loudly. All I doing was, hoping he wins all the game successfully. Once, I was doing the gotong royong with my classmate at the third building. He was walking passing us with his members. I saw him at the distant, then I was stunned. After they were gone, I jumped excitedly and smile brightly because I haven't seen him for the whole day. I became more energized so I decided to sweep the drains around the building with the unstoppable joy and smile on my face. I was so focused in what I was doing, sweeping until the last corner of the drain before coming back to the start point, suddenly I realized there was a group of boy student were sitting on the red table near to that place. I almost felt a snow wind on my face, he was there!! with his friends.. Thinking about my reaction I made before, I speechless!!! Then, after that, I heard some stories. The same reason. He got some admires and he was interested in someone that I know. One day, our school joined a competition, so a group of student went there, he was one of them. On their way back to our school, their bus got into accident, several students got injured. I was shocked, then I went back to our dorm. I saw a senior, which his classmate was crying after heard about the news. I don't know why, I don't cry. Am I really like him or not? Days goes by, one day, the senior shared story with me about him. I don't remember what the stories contents but it did changed my mine. So, here I goes again, try to forget the person that I learned to like a lot. 

I met a boy during the time I was waiting for my admission to politeknik kota kinabalu. I join a team to a big tournament for Sabah as that would be pre-selection for sukma, I guess so. I guess because our names sound similar to each other, the hyungs and unnie start to tease us. A unnie which also my friend, had introduced us in very unique way. I lend her my hand phone because she told me that she want to send message to someone. I didn't thinking that strange, so I lend her. Then suddenly, she returned my hand phone and told me that she was setting me up with the boy. I was totally in shocked! I gained the courage to tell the boy that, I wasn't the one who sending those message, hoping that he wouldn't misunderstood me.  No wonder, why he saying greeting to me in very cheerful way while our team met in the dinning hall. I felt very awkward because I don't very close to boys and I don't know how to treat them as friends, because most of the time, I used to be rude with boys, fighting to be exact. After, I told him that, I try to avoid him as much as I can. 12 June 2009, our team met at the kompleks sukan sandakan, spending time with watching the booth that selling foods and other activities there while waiting for the closing ceremony, if I not mistaken. I was watching some activities at the court area, suddenly unnie called me and asked me to go for a walk with the boy around the booths area. I refused but the unnie insisted. I walked slowly and quietly behind him, for me, walking together is very awkward even we were in crowded places. He turned to me and asked me to walk side by side with him. I refused again.  I told him to walk in front so I know where I need to go, but then he told me, if I kept walking at behind him, I'll missing. I just sigh and step ahead next to him. He was walking on my right side. We were walking together but bare speaking to each other. I guess he felt awkward too. Maybe that's why he keep looking at his phone while we're walking. I look at him while we're walking, he just doing something with his phone without notice that I was looking at him. At that moment, I get the feeling that I should never disturb people who keep using their phone. My heart judged fast; "Using phone while having someone by your side means that person is not important to you". For thinking that way, I feel more calm, because I means nothing to him anyway, seems that phone is more important. I started to feel more relaxed. Then, we were passing a horizontal wire that flew the electricity for those booth lamps, I was about to warned him because he would hooked up that wire, but yeah, he almost get hooked of it. He dodged it I just laughed. He treated me some foods then, I don't know why I came up with the idea. I told him that, if he gonna buy me some foods, he should do the same for the other members too, actually I already full at the moment. I thought he wouldn't dare, but he paid all of it. That made me felt terrible, I very sorry to him. At the end, I paid him back and we never keep in touch after that. The second time I met him at the other day or tournament, he already have someone by his side. Be happy bro. :D

I got into poly in July 2009, I saw one of my senior department was similar to that boy. Hahaha, what a coincidence. I think, it's a little bit late while I was in poly. I met this senior in taekwondo club. The first time, I saw him at the taekwondo tournament while I was in secondary school. I love the way he perform his pattern. Far from love, I more to like him as a senior in taekwondo. When I always perform my pattern, I tried to copied him. I love to see people who are very focus in their work. At my first semester break, everyone would already in holiday mood, but us were still at Polikk, in intensive training. When, we were represented as Polikk taekwondo team, the pressure was unbelievable. I was assigned to take part in sparring, I told the coach that I can't do the sparring because I don't know much in sparring. The senior, who was sitting in front of me, turned to me and said "Boleh tuh, belajar.". At the Polisas, we still keep our training. There was a moment, we were told to do some warming up at the taekwondo ring. While doing the forwarding target, I couldn't defend very well and fell down onto the mattress. I sighed and look down to the mattress. Suddenly, someone stood in front of me, offering his right hand to me. I felt like just in the drama, I look at his hand then up to his face. Slowly, I reached his hands and get up with a bit fluttering heart. During my final game, he was standing there. I was so exhausted, angry with the referee, and feeling give up. Then, there he goes, keep shouting that I need to keep lifting my legs up to the opponent target. As I win the final game, I felt was so happy untill I want to jump high and hug them all. Then, he just a taekwondo senior that I like because of his passion in taekwondo.

I think I spent all my commitment to my RP club starting I got into semester 3. I don't have so much time to think someone to love during my busy semester. I, once almost falling hard of one of senior in the club. It happens when we were coming back from Salut Kelapa Bakar. I as always, want to walk alone by myself while watching the neon's light on the evening road, but still with a close distance with the other member. Suddenly, the senior approach me. Asking about me, about my family, and give me advice on how I should treat my family even we were in a distance. That was very unexpected. At some point, I nearly tell him that I like him. Wah, luckily, I didn't. Hahaha. Thank goodness.

Then, up to my most critical semester in poli. My practical semester, semester 4. At Monday until Friday, I goes to work as a trainer, while on Teusday and Thursday's night were my Taekwondo training, and Friday's nights until Sunday's evening were my Silat Olahraga training for my last saga tournament. Its wasn't that hard at first, but it's started when I messed up with one of my practical friends. Even, sitting below the air conditioner felt hot and suffocating. I was so stress because the unsettle matter, until I asked my sifu as I trust him as a sifu, 'what I need to do to be an emotionless person?'. At that time, I assumed emotion is the only thing makes me weak. Later that, I met someone who is much younger than me. So much younger. His nickname was similar to one of my practical friends name. He almost similar to the singer K. Will and Daesung BigBang. So, five days I facing my hateful friends then two days for my loving friends. That was very complicated. However, everything is in the past. That hateful friend become my friend again and that loving person is just a person I knew from the past. I need to forget everything about him because of the gap age. Be friends like that loving friends reminds me about my primary school friends. Once during the practical semester, I was going out to Indah Permai because I saw the loving friend request on my hp fb. I went to the cyber cafe at Indah Permai, just to approve that loving friend request. (Hm, how immature am I kan, but that who I was.). 

While I was online, I got a text message from the Be Happy boy. Asking me to join them to go salut kelapa bakar together with the other member. Then, I just agreed to join them. I just notice something strange about me. Usually I don't bother to join any member if I already have something to do especially about feeling matters. Entering the new semester, was the opening new entry to my life either. Holding a position kept me struggling with myself everyday. I realized I don't have many friends to hang out. I was expecting that will happen to me the moment I accept the  position, I prepared and kept my heart guard high. So, no one could touch or hurt my feeling inside. I live with my confidence to face the day bravely, everyday I thought I achieved it but slowly the gloomy cloud, raining  me wet inside. Then, someone came with a bright smile and a fan at his hand. Time by time, he shine brightly as sun, vanished away my cloudy gloom. There was a moment, he asked me to take care his matrix card for him. Carelessly, I wore it as mine. Then he asked why I did that, "Kenapa?", I flustered, don't know to answer him in words, but my heart already answer it, " It's because I want you stay next to mine.". There was a program, at distance I saw him sitting next to the stair of the hut. I want to ask how's is he. Is he okay? Is he cold? Is he sleeping? Is he comfortable sitting there? But, I just walk pass him without looking at him because I was nervous with all the question inside my head. Then, at dawn, I was laying comfortably at the bench after sleeping below the bench when I heard his voice waking me up. I'm half awake, but I'm sure that was him, I felt embarrassed and pretend to be sleeping still. We were gonna playing a game, so everyone have to choose their own members. I end up being a team with some of my friends, but I was being so sensitive at that time. I vent my anger to him which he was the ajk for the game ( I wasn't intent to full out them all on him, but I don't know why I did that either.) So, we were playing, in a slight of time we loss in the game, I was sitting on the sand, he came to us with a smile on his face, I asked why he coming to us, then he told us that he will be joining the team. Ah, unfortunately, game over. There was a time that, we were late for the dinner, he stood waiting for us near to the bus. With that suit on him, I almost got blew away. However, that's all in the past. I messed up everything because of my bad temper.  I shouldn't played that game. I should told him to stop being nice to me because that might make me fall for him, I shouldn't joined them, I shouldn't let my guard down for him, I shouldn't thinking of him, I shouldn't be smile or laugh at his jokes or stories, I shouldn't feel happy when I with him. Ah~ I shouldn't.

I know him quite a while, but years back then, he just friend that I know. The third year in poly, since I messed up with one of my close friends in class, I can't hang out and be a group assignment with them as usually. I became a little bit closer to this friend. I still judged him for his last assignment commitment, it was the mathematical engineering assignment. I told him to be careful, but at the end, I was the one who making the mistake. But he just go cool with it. I really weak in calculation, even during mathematic engineering class, I a little bit slow to follow up the steps. There was a time, I sat next to him during the math class and I don't understand the steps. I don't want to bother the other focus by asking them, so I just stared my book and slightly look at the others who study so well. Suddenly, he turned to me and asked which part that I don't understand. Other than that, it was a busy day for our club because of the event preparation, I got a text message, it was from him, asking if I want to buy bugger. I agreed to buy them because I was hungry but there were a bunch of work that need to be done. Settle things up, we pack up to go back home, the he offer to make the delivery. That's make me uneasy, I speed up my steps, as soon as I arrived, he just give me the bugger without taking my money, what was that? I am a little bit confused here, please. But that just for a moment, then I forget it. The last remember moment about him, it was preparation for the final project exhibition. I was in-charge in the decoration. I took 2 curtain for the information board however it's were untangled. I saw him and one of my friends. Since I get used to talk with them, I asked them the favor to untangled those curtain. They done with the curtain, so I thanked them for the hard work. But then, next problem comes up, I got trouble while hanging up the curtain to be stapled, then he came out from nowhere asking if I need any help. I almost got into tears that loh bro. He is that unique friend. It was holiday if I was not mistaken, suddenly he called me and shared what he was doing at the moment; having a trip with some of his friends, I guess he was too happy and he want to share them with his friends. I don't know how to respond with that since that was the first time that my friend call just to share his moment, so I just go, "Oh, best lah?" kind of reaction..

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My Sketch Paper 007

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful

Chair

Recently, my back was in pain because I sat and tend to bend my body while facing my laptop. So, I started drawing some chair. A few moment later, I notice that, in Emergency Couple drama, there was a scene when Oh Jin Hee meeting her father-in-law at a cafe ( I guess ). They were sitting on the chair, I don't know what the call it but for now I call it Korean Chair. That because they were sitting cross-legged on top of cushion chair which the chair has no stand at all. 

(I'm not quite sure, if you understand my English, sorry about that).

Chairs

Some of the design, I making a scene when I want to lay on a sofa with watching my favorite tv show. I guess, I just design them without thinking how they will going to be fabricated. Simple careless design, but I will put that aside later, for now, just focusing on how I draw the object. 

If I tried design them once with all the manufacturing process, 

I might not done a sketch at all. So, be chill Ms. Haha.

My Sketch Paper 006

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful

Complex Round

Based on youtube video 'Sketching tutorial How to draw complex round' by idcreatures, 

I refer to the video tutorial to draw this. 

At first, it quite confusing, so I keep shading the wrong part.

Then my second trial was a bit accurate but still I almost shade the wrong part and it took a lot of time to follow the tutor steps.

Complex Round

The second drawing is about cylinder shape. 

The first one looks fine but I drew the second cylinder without looking the video as I try to make sure I grabbed her tactics well. 

*please ignore the cylinder shading. hehehe

The third drawing is about cone. Again, the first trial is failed. 

I repeated the video several time, to get this one right same like the first drawing for the shading.

In the video, she (the tutor) used sharpie to bold the sketching line.

I found it awesome. I think I would get some of them, soon. hehehe