I Have No Intention of Removing Good Memories

" I have no intention of removing good memories."

" Someone who makes your heart flutter or someone familiar?"

I wonder why I still surrounded by those memories with you in them. It's already been 2 years for now. This the first time, I still hoping and waiting for someone since secondary school. I'm not trying to emphasize the first time, because honestly, I don't believe much in the 'First Time'. 

Do You Believe In First Time?

As for my life experience in Taekwondo, my first game of sparring, I experienced losing for the first time. However, that's not meant to be that I'm a loser in sparring forever. To be honest, I keep losing in sparring everything I joined sparring game until the coach, sir Murshidi, call me the expert in sparring because I kept join sparring event but never win even once. But later, with all the hard time in training and the kept losing feeling had thought me several ways and lead for some winning in tournaments. Alhamdulillah.

That's one reason, I don't rely much on First Time. The first person that I like, I don't remember the face enough but I like someone since I was in year 1 in primary school. That brother has almost the same name of mine. When my young friends addressed me in conversation or called me, it's sound similarly with that brother name. I guess I like him because he was very kind to me at that time.

When I was in year 2, I changed school. I met a boy, a year older than me. We were not that in relationship but maybe that just another scandal in primary school. I like and hate him at the same time. Kids, I really don't know why, we kept arguing each other but at the same time there were lot good memories too. It's that true that, when a person has feeling to the that person, they would spend a lot of time with that person, no matter what, including arguing to each other? I'm not sure either. 

Almost a step more for my future, we moved into a new house and I moved into a new religious school to take examination after four years in a village KAFA. There I wasn't nobody. I just playing games with everyone including my siblings but I have no friends to be hang out together. I lost my best friends at KAFA and became new student at new religious school. Since I don't have any close friends, I dont care much for other kids and used to play only with my siblings. One day, while waiting for my mother to pick up us after the religious school end, my brother and I was playing at the playground. Some kids came to us and starting to messing up with us. Then, someone came and he was trying to stop them from bulling us. That boy from what I know, he was a very quiet kid. I just know his name but never talk to him. Since that day, I starting to notice him everyday when I came to school. There was a day, I don't remember it clearly, but he got into trouble and didn't get into class. At the end of school, I saw him at distant. That was just a story in primary school, I thought I like him. Who knows? I get into my favorite school at SMK Pekan but I end up being in SMKA Tun Said because of my parents want me to continue my school there. Guess what, the first classmate that I met near the stair up to my class was him! That was a relief I thought. Being in a new class with someone that I knew and the most unexpected that I was in the class with my crush. But, all things doesn't happen in the way I thought. I remember my first tear-drop of jealousy and disappointment because my crush was being someone else which that girl was one of my friends. I can't do anything, I just cried for a moments then I decided to forget him no matter what. Once, a friend of mine ask me to send her regards for him because she kind of interested in him. Luckily, I was almost don't feel anything more for him. I just assumed him as only one of my friends. However, while we was in form 3, something was happen, and I hate him so much after that. I don't know either if that was his doing or someone sabotage him, but I was so immature during that period of time. Then, there was a time that some students were gathered because they got caught for not being able to obey the hostel's rules, including him and I. Everyone were told to line up and count numbers. The ustaz fined us to stand up and telling what we were sorry for, kinda repenting ourselves, started with the boys, I noticed that he was the 39th person. The person was chosen randomly, I was like praying so the ustaz would call out the number 39. And it's happen, he got called to the front and give repenting speech. I felt my hating heart for him was vanished away after that. So, still he just only a friend after that.

However, since the day I cried because of that, I'm being more frigid and rude to those boys who mess up with me. I thought I became to hate boy, but then I saw a senior during the Friday assembly. He was the mc in-charge of the day. He was a form 5 Technique student. It just happen to me to admire him. There was a moment, I was him in the dinning hall, near to the water cooler, wearing black color of baju melayu, he was very cool boy. Since that, I like to see someone who wear black baju melayu. Then, I came to hear that he got admires and adopt sister too. I was like, "what?! huh!". I decided to forget him and because I will not see him anymore after his spm. That was my very short period of time to like a person, he passed the SPM, the last time I saw him when he joined a Marhaban group in a competition at our school and the last news I heard of him, he is already married last year. I'm happy for you, bro.

When I was in form 3, I felt so empty inside. Every person that I liked so far, were belong to someone else. That just make me uninterested and give up. Suddenly, one day, I thought an idea. 

"Love. Is love can be develop by learning to love someone? Can I learn to love someone?"

At the evening, I would sitting at the corridor of our hostel, watching boys went for their tea break. Then, I saw this senior. Again, a senior. Before that, I thought he was nobody, because he is not that handsome and I never heard of him before. So, I started my foolish learning to love someone mission. I don't know when but then I noticed that I was really falling for this guy. The moment I realized it when I was giving my explanation to my friends in front of the class. I was in form 4 Technique at that time. I saw him walking at the next building, I just very happy to look at him until he disappear from my sight until my friends shouting call my name. Then, I was got into his Rumah Sukan since every form 4 student need to change their rumah sukan. He was one of the ace of the rumah sukan. When everybody in the team was cheering, I just can't do the cheering. I can't say his name that loudly. All I doing was, hoping he wins all the game successfully. Once, I was doing the gotong royong with my classmate at the third building. He was walking passing us with his members. I saw him at the distant, then I was stunned. After they were gone, I jumped excitedly and smile brightly because I haven't seen him for the whole day. I became more energized so I decided to sweep the drains around the building with the unstoppable joy and smile on my face. I was so focused in what I was doing, sweeping until the last corner of the drain before coming back to the start point, suddenly I realized there was a group of boy student were sitting on the red table near to that place. I almost felt a snow wind on my face, he was there!! with his friends.. Thinking about my reaction I made before, I speechless!!! Then, after that, I heard some stories. The same reason. He got some admires and he was interested in someone that I know. One day, our school joined a competition, so a group of student went there, he was one of them. On their way back to our school, their bus got into accident, several students got injured. I was shocked, then I went back to our dorm. I saw a senior, which his classmate was crying after heard about the news. I don't know why, I don't cry. Am I really like him or not? Days goes by, one day, the senior shared story with me about him. I don't remember what the stories contents but it did changed my mine. So, here I goes again, try to forget the person that I learned to like a lot. 

I met a boy during the time I was waiting for my admission to politeknik kota kinabalu. I join a team to a big tournament for Sabah as that would be pre-selection for sukma, I guess so. I guess because our names sound similar to each other, the hyungs and unnie start to tease us. A unnie which also my friend, had introduced us in very unique way. I lend her my hand phone because she told me that she want to send message to someone. I didn't thinking that strange, so I lend her. Then suddenly, she returned my hand phone and told me that she was setting me up with the boy. I was totally in shocked! I gained the courage to tell the boy that, I wasn't the one who sending those message, hoping that he wouldn't misunderstood me.  No wonder, why he saying greeting to me in very cheerful way while our team met in the dinning hall. I felt very awkward because I don't very close to boys and I don't know how to treat them as friends, because most of the time, I used to be rude with boys, fighting to be exact. After, I told him that, I try to avoid him as much as I can. 12 June 2009, our team met at the kompleks sukan sandakan, spending time with watching the booth that selling foods and other activities there while waiting for the closing ceremony, if I not mistaken. I was watching some activities at the court area, suddenly unnie called me and asked me to go for a walk with the boy around the booths area. I refused but the unnie insisted. I walked slowly and quietly behind him, for me, walking together is very awkward even we were in crowded places. He turned to me and asked me to walk side by side with him. I refused again.  I told him to walk in front so I know where I need to go, but then he told me, if I kept walking at behind him, I'll missing. I just sigh and step ahead next to him. He was walking on my right side. We were walking together but bare speaking to each other. I guess he felt awkward too. Maybe that's why he keep looking at his phone while we're walking. I look at him while we're walking, he just doing something with his phone without notice that I was looking at him. At that moment, I get the feeling that I should never disturb people who keep using their phone. My heart judged fast; "Using phone while having someone by your side means that person is not important to you". For thinking that way, I feel more calm, because I means nothing to him anyway, seems that phone is more important. I started to feel more relaxed. Then, we were passing a horizontal wire that flew the electricity for those booth lamps, I was about to warned him because he would hooked up that wire, but yeah, he almost get hooked of it. He dodged it I just laughed. He treated me some foods then, I don't know why I came up with the idea. I told him that, if he gonna buy me some foods, he should do the same for the other members too, actually I already full at the moment. I thought he wouldn't dare, but he paid all of it. That made me felt terrible, I very sorry to him. At the end, I paid him back and we never keep in touch after that. The second time I met him at the other day or tournament, he already have someone by his side. Be happy bro. :D

I got into poly in July 2009, I saw one of my senior department was similar to that boy. Hahaha, what a coincidence. I think, it's a little bit late while I was in poly. I met this senior in taekwondo club. The first time, I saw him at the taekwondo tournament while I was in secondary school. I love the way he perform his pattern. Far from love, I more to like him as a senior in taekwondo. When I always perform my pattern, I tried to copied him. I love to see people who are very focus in their work. At my first semester break, everyone would already in holiday mood, but us were still at Polikk, in intensive training. When, we were represented as Polikk taekwondo team, the pressure was unbelievable. I was assigned to take part in sparring, I told the coach that I can't do the sparring because I don't know much in sparring. The senior, who was sitting in front of me, turned to me and said "Boleh tuh, belajar.". At the Polisas, we still keep our training. There was a moment, we were told to do some warming up at the taekwondo ring. While doing the forwarding target, I couldn't defend very well and fell down onto the mattress. I sighed and look down to the mattress. Suddenly, someone stood in front of me, offering his right hand to me. I felt like just in the drama, I look at his hand then up to his face. Slowly, I reached his hands and get up with a bit fluttering heart. During my final game, he was standing there. I was so exhausted, angry with the referee, and feeling give up. Then, there he goes, keep shouting that I need to keep lifting my legs up to the opponent target. As I win the final game, I felt was so happy untill I want to jump high and hug them all. Then, he just a taekwondo senior that I like because of his passion in taekwondo.

I think I spent all my commitment to my RP club starting I got into semester 3. I don't have so much time to think someone to love during my busy semester. I, once almost falling hard of one of senior in the club. It happens when we were coming back from Salut Kelapa Bakar. I as always, want to walk alone by myself while watching the neon's light on the evening road, but still with a close distance with the other member. Suddenly, the senior approach me. Asking about me, about my family, and give me advice on how I should treat my family even we were in a distance. That was very unexpected. At some point, I nearly tell him that I like him. Wah, luckily, I didn't. Hahaha. Thank goodness.

Then, up to my most critical semester in poli. My practical semester, semester 4. At Monday until Friday, I goes to work as a trainer, while on Teusday and Thursday's night were my Taekwondo training, and Friday's nights until Sunday's evening were my Silat Olahraga training for my last saga tournament. Its wasn't that hard at first, but it's started when I messed up with one of my practical friends. Even, sitting below the air conditioner felt hot and suffocating. I was so stress because the unsettle matter, until I asked my sifu as I trust him as a sifu, 'what I need to do to be an emotionless person?'. At that time, I assumed emotion is the only thing makes me weak. Later that, I met someone who is much younger than me. So much younger. His nickname was similar to one of my practical friends name. He almost similar to the singer K. Will and Daesung BigBang. So, five days I facing my hateful friends then two days for my loving friends. That was very complicated. However, everything is in the past. That hateful friend become my friend again and that loving person is just a person I knew from the past. I need to forget everything about him because of the gap age. Be friends like that loving friends reminds me about my primary school friends. Once during the practical semester, I was going out to Indah Permai because I saw the loving friend request on my hp fb. I went to the cyber cafe at Indah Permai, just to approve that loving friend request. (Hm, how immature am I kan, but that who I was.). 

While I was online, I got a text message from the Be Happy boy. Asking me to join them to go salut kelapa bakar together with the other member. Then, I just agreed to join them. I just notice something strange about me. Usually I don't bother to join any member if I already have something to do especially about feeling matters. Entering the new semester, was the opening new entry to my life either. Holding a position kept me struggling with myself everyday. I realized I don't have many friends to hang out. I was expecting that will happen to me the moment I accept the  position, I prepared and kept my heart guard high. So, no one could touch or hurt my feeling inside. I live with my confidence to face the day bravely, everyday I thought I achieved it but slowly the gloomy cloud, raining  me wet inside. Then, someone came with a bright smile and a fan at his hand. Time by time, he shine brightly as sun, vanished away my cloudy gloom. There was a moment, he asked me to take care his matrix card for him. Carelessly, I wore it as mine. Then he asked why I did that, "Kenapa?", I flustered, don't know to answer him in words, but my heart already answer it, " It's because I want you stay next to mine.". There was a program, at distance I saw him sitting next to the stair of the hut. I want to ask how's is he. Is he okay? Is he cold? Is he sleeping? Is he comfortable sitting there? But, I just walk pass him without looking at him because I was nervous with all the question inside my head. Then, at dawn, I was laying comfortably at the bench after sleeping below the bench when I heard his voice waking me up. I'm half awake, but I'm sure that was him, I felt embarrassed and pretend to be sleeping still. We were gonna playing a game, so everyone have to choose their own members. I end up being a team with some of my friends, but I was being so sensitive at that time. I vent my anger to him which he was the ajk for the game ( I wasn't intent to full out them all on him, but I don't know why I did that either.) So, we were playing, in a slight of time we loss in the game, I was sitting on the sand, he came to us with a smile on his face, I asked why he coming to us, then he told us that he will be joining the team. Ah, unfortunately, game over. There was a time that, we were late for the dinner, he stood waiting for us near to the bus. With that suit on him, I almost got blew away. However, that's all in the past. I messed up everything because of my bad temper.  I shouldn't played that game. I should told him to stop being nice to me because that might make me fall for him, I shouldn't joined them, I shouldn't let my guard down for him, I shouldn't thinking of him, I shouldn't be smile or laugh at his jokes or stories, I shouldn't feel happy when I with him. Ah~ I shouldn't.

I know him quite a while, but years back then, he just friend that I know. The third year in poly, since I messed up with one of my close friends in class, I can't hang out and be a group assignment with them as usually. I became a little bit closer to this friend. I still judged him for his last assignment commitment, it was the mathematical engineering assignment. I told him to be careful, but at the end, I was the one who making the mistake. But he just go cool with it. I really weak in calculation, even during mathematic engineering class, I a little bit slow to follow up the steps. There was a time, I sat next to him during the math class and I don't understand the steps. I don't want to bother the other focus by asking them, so I just stared my book and slightly look at the others who study so well. Suddenly, he turned to me and asked which part that I don't understand. Other than that, it was a busy day for our club because of the event preparation, I got a text message, it was from him, asking if I want to buy bugger. I agreed to buy them because I was hungry but there were a bunch of work that need to be done. Settle things up, we pack up to go back home, the he offer to make the delivery. That's make me uneasy, I speed up my steps, as soon as I arrived, he just give me the bugger without taking my money, what was that? I am a little bit confused here, please. But that just for a moment, then I forget it. The last remember moment about him, it was preparation for the final project exhibition. I was in-charge in the decoration. I took 2 curtain for the information board however it's were untangled. I saw him and one of my friends. Since I get used to talk with them, I asked them the favor to untangled those curtain. They done with the curtain, so I thanked them for the hard work. But then, next problem comes up, I got trouble while hanging up the curtain to be stapled, then he came out from nowhere asking if I need any help. I almost got into tears that loh bro. He is that unique friend. It was holiday if I was not mistaken, suddenly he called me and shared what he was doing at the moment; having a trip with some of his friends, I guess he was too happy and he want to share them with his friends. I don't know how to respond with that since that was the first time that my friend call just to share his moment, so I just go, "Oh, best lah?" kind of reaction..

****************************************